It's the end and it's the beginning
As my time on another show comes to a close, I have a moment to reflect. Building a tv series is a monumental amount of work, made by an invested team of people. I liken it to sprinting through a marathon. Although, depending on the planning and leadership, it can feel like, well, just running.
The adage of, “with age comes experience” has definitely started to manifest. But just about the time I start to feel like I might have a grip on how something works in my life, there’s always seemingly some other labyrinth of mystery, I find myself navigating.
What I’ve been working on, for some time, is how to breath. Breath through the anxiety before the start of a new challenge. Breath though that challenge. And breath as my feet pound the pavement, looking for the finish line.
And rather than just make it an all out sprint, worrying about what was, what is, or ultimately what will be… I’m trying to find myself. In each moment. To run, and run well… but not panicked. Not frantically trying to please. Not desperately hoping to stand out.
I’ve been and done all of those things. A runner, frantically and desperately seeking my value. Riddled with anxiety and frustration.
Fuck that. It sucks.
I DO value working hard. Developing my intelligence. Furthering my experience and my understating - but ultimately, I am learning to value my sanity and peace.
Life is an experience. Or a set of many experiences. And clearly, those can run the gamut. We all live it. It can be really shitty. Mundane. Boring on up to exhilaration, surprising and enriching.
Ultimately, my response to anything that happens, no matter what the experience is, determines a lot about how this journey goes. And it’s really the only thing I have control over. My response. My actions. My words. That’s all I want control over anyway. Just run the race. Don’t miss the forest for the trees. Don’t forget to stop and smell the roses. Or some cliche like that.
Duh. It’s important, right? To live and experience in each moment? But it hasn’t been so easy for me to live.
In a world of competition, bests and firsts, there is a lot to be said for the steady, consistent, thoughtful, persistent tread.
And I’m working on that. Sometimes it works. Sometimes, I find myself back to being frantic, worrying about what happened, what is, or what’s coming around the next turn.
But I am getting better at just running the race. To be present. To be where I am. And that’s it.
There are forces outside my control and certainly bad shit can happen. But I’m working on controlling my response. To flow through problems and triumphs, taking time to feel what needs to be felt.
I’m hoping that I can continue to be mindful in each moment. See, taste, touch, hear, smell - living through every high, low and middle of this life’s experience. Not just look for the start and the finish lines.
Being present is tough. But I’m finding, it’s worth it.