At the end of my 3rd grade school year, my family departed the world of traditional schooling. We entered the wild and weird world of homeschooling. At the time, not many people had ever heard of it much less even considered it as an option for education.
The first year was really difficult. Mostly because we had no access to the friends we had made and the street we lived on wasn’t a neighborhood filled with kids with which we could socialize.
It was at this point in my life that I began a very long and very lonely journey. I had to learn to become comfortable with being alone or with a very small group of people I was already tethered to by default - my family.
I spent a lot of time alone. I read, I played outside, I played baseball (by myself and sometimes with my brother), and I of course - completed my schoolwork.
As time progressed, I was able to complete my schoolwork in a lot less time than it took me in a traditional environment. And I actually began to flourish academically. Things I excelled at, I really excelled at, and my areas of struggle became strengths because I had time to focus on them.
I had time to fail and learn. I would come to wish that were true in the rest of my life - not just academics.
Ultimately friendships became a stigma. I saw the hole in our lives and began to reach out to my parents for help.
And I didn’t get any. I was basically told that “god puts the lonely in families”
At the time, god meant something to me, and I trusted them. But that nagging feeling. The lack of community, peer growth, and connection grew more intense. And so did my social anxieties.
It’s tough being a kid. And it’s really tough being a teenager. There are indeed a lot of pressures to be and do things that don’t always end up with good outcomes.
But that’s part of life. Growing. Developing. Learning. Learning by failing.
And failure wasn’t really an option, unless it helped academically. And that changed as I grew older and closer to college.
My family decided that I (and my brother) would be homeshooled until we graduated from high school. That’s a long time to go without regular socialization.
A very long time.
In that time, I was required to get straight A’s. Required. Nothing less.
It’s hard to impart in one writing how extreme religious fundamentalism affects a person. But it had a massive impact on my life. And that fueled a lot of my parents’ motivations - including the demand for educational excellence.
Their ideas were mostly centered around me being “in the world but not of it.”
Christian’s define this as being out in the world but not losing their souls to the evils that fill the world.
Ironically, we weren’t in the world all that much.
We were at home. Or we were at church. And we had one family that we had a friendship with, so we were sometimes at their house.
That was it.
We weren’t allowed to go to the movies, listen to most music, ware popular clothing, date, or really do anything that was not previously sanctioned by my parents.
So we weren’t really allowed to do anything but school work, play at home, and serve at church.
Every house has rules. But what I experienced was pretty extreme.
By the time I was a senior in high school, I just couldn’t wait to get away from my family. I hated my home. I hated what I had become. I was alone, with my thoughts.
And I had no hopes for what I wanted to be or do because I had missed so much of growing up with people around me.
It was like being in a glass case where everyone walks by and looks at you. My hands and face were pressed up against the glass and everybody just kind of walked by and was like, “Awww, look at that weird thing.”
I just wanted out. I wanted to live and experience the world as it is… not through some kind of bizarre filter.
I didn’t want to just fulfill assignments, and get grades and pass tests.
I wanted to get my hands dirty.
And so I have spent the last 20 plus years finding myself. Little by little. Day by day. I’ve grown to know more people. I have a best friend who is also, not by accident, my wife. That’s not always the case - or so I’m told. I have 4 children (soon to be 5).
I’ve met all kinds of people and made some friendships. Some short term. Some that have lasted.
I’ve gotten my hands dirty.
I left Christianity. I’m an atheist now so I guess you could say, I got my hands really dirty. It seems a lot of Christians think it’s impossible to be moral or good, without god. I’ve learned otherwise. I think most balanced thinkers understand people are just trying to figure out who we are as individuals and how we connect to the group.
And most people are seeking to do some kind of good. That morality and goodness are not possessions of the godly. They are actions and attitudes we all work towards.
I lost myself in the summer after 3rd grade. I was alone, scared, riddled with anxiety.
But now, I am in the world and of it. Because this world is my home and humans are my people. To disconnect from it is a slow, agonizing suffocation.
Yes, there is a pain in the world. And we do cause harm to each other. But we risk the pain for the experience of love, forgiveness and growth.
And you have to be in and of it - to be part of it.
So here I am.
:-)
I'm glad you're here. And fwiw I've considered you a friend since way back in our learning center math class days... even though our only social interaction was, well, math class. :) Love hearing your perspective and your story. Both painful and affirming. Here's to life outside the bubble, friend. Cheers.